iBlah@MyWall: EXPOSING THE TRUTH BEHIND LOSING 25KG

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I went through the biggest transformation in my life and I have always wanted to share the truth behind it but I never got the chance. I kept a blog but didn't publish it. I posted photos on Facebook but I only showed what people want to see because I genuinely want to inspire people about losing weight.

Yes, I lost a lot of weight, 25 kilos in 4-5 months. THE TRUTH IS... I WASN'T REALLY AIMING TO LOSE WEIGHT. I have been overweight - obese for more than 10 years, it bothered me but I have already accepted that I am fat and that is it. Love your body as it is.

I eat anything I want, drink alcohol almost every day and not very active like sports or any kind of exercise. I remember the time when I was still working in Vietnam, I went home for Christmas and my sister asked me if I was depressed. I told her I am not and I asked her what made her think that I am. My sister said "because you've gain a lot of weight". I just laughed at it and let it go.

I work in a corporate world, I go to office everyday five to six days a week, I sit on my desk in front of my computer, check emails, attend meetings, I do my presentations, budgets planning, implementations, etc. Woman married to my job. I started working my ass up to corporate ladder even before I attended my college graduation. I was so driven, so much energy. I have one set of goals in my mind; to be independent, to be successful, to be an inspiration and to travel the world. I left my home country in 2006 (I was 22 years old) and I've been working abroad since then.

I have learned and experienced a lot of challenges, a lot of pain and depression. It was never easy to go through all these without anyone beside you, I was far away from my comfort zone and family. I was not really good at making friends because I was guarding myself too much, built a thick wall around me and not letting anyone penetrate.

source

Anyway, any career driven woman would understand when I say "I work hard and I play hard" and most of the time "play" involves alcohol.

Party, alcohol and sleep all day on weekends due to bad hangover were my solution to anything bad, disappointing, frustrating events in my life. And its also my reward to anything happy. That was my life.

I love my job, I love what I do. For some people, my job probably isn't the most exciting job because it doesnt involve anything extreme or anything 'hollywood'. But I'm extremely passionate about it and it keeps me going.

'Passionate' to a point that I built a PICTURE OF PERFECTION in my head and that means really high standards and high performance goals. FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. I set my own goals really high for my own pleasure and satisfaction because I love challenging myself (I sound like a sadist). And its funny because I never felt satisfaction.

If you've seen the movie Whiplash and Black Swan, the drummer and the ballerina went through a lot of pain (mentally and physically) aiming for perfection. Aiming to be the greatest drummer and ballerina. You would also hate the coaches for putting inhumane pressure on them.

Black Swan

Whiplash

Fletcher, the drummer's teacher on Whiplash

I like these 2 movies, it scared the hell out of me. I can relate to it, the only difference is that I am the main character and I am also the 'coach'. I am the one performing and I am the one putting inhumane pressure on myself.

My boss tells me that I am doing a great job and the company gave me the highest performance rating in the system but I still didn't believe that because what I BELIEVE IS THAT I COULD HAVE DONE A LOT BETTER. Perfection!

And that my friend led to a lot of frustrations and mental breakdown, pressures that I inflicted to myself. I did this to myself and no one else. I threw myself into deep depression. The feeling of NOT BEING GOOD ENOUGH. I am not good enough at work and I am not good enough at anything including my personal life. I was so NEGATIVE!

Sometime in 2012, it hit me and it hit me hard, no matter what I do, I wake up next morning feeling exactly the same, a lot of debate in my head which is not helping.

It dragged until the following year.

One afternoon, on my way home from a 3 day workshop, my brain was SCREAMING SO LOUD and I felt that blood is about to come out of my ears and nose. I couldn’t take it anymore! I called up a friend, Rachel and during the 2 hours phone call, she didn’t say anything much at all, I did all the talking. AND THAT WAS THE TIME I HEARD MYSELF SO LOUD and pitied myself so bad.

I had a big problem and it can be solved by making a choice. And I did have a choice. Everyone has! The expression “I don't have a choice” is bullshit (I realized).

My life was so IMBALANCED!

And my dear old friend, ALCOHOL was always there. It was a good temporary relief. It was so good that it numbs my brain from thinking.

Source

My friend, Rachel, one of the few words she said during our 2 hours call was, “set goals”, then I freaked out even more because I’ve been setting goals in my entire life which is causing me all these pressure in the first place. Rachel called me out and said “Set ACHIEVABLE goals, simple, simple goals”.

I could have continued bitching about how I am not good enough and continued being negative OR do the opposite. Be positive about myself, convince myself that I did a good job, be happy and breathe.. and breathe some more, take a moment to stop and look at the good things that are happening around me at work.

AND START HAVING A LIFE OUTSIDE THE OFFICE.

Easier said than done! TRUE! I started setting up new goals. The hardest thing I have ever done in my life was to set a very simple and achievable goals.

Goal 1: SMILE! BE POSITIVE! I got myself some colorful pieces of paper and wrote myself positive notes to remind myself to smile. I posted it on my bathroom mirror because that's the first thing I see when I wake up in the morning. It made me laugh more than smile because I find it silly and ridiculous. But hey it worked! it made me smile and laugh!

Goal 2: PRAY! GO TO CHURCH! I was skipping church every Sunday, I didn't care at all. It was difficult for me to remind myself the power of prayer and meditation, it saved my life once and it can save my life again and again. So I started pushing myself to wake up every Sunday to go church and pray. And my goal was to thank God for everything good and bad that is happening to me. And believe that everything happens for a reason, all for good reason. Trust Him.

Goal 3: BE ACTIVE! Do anything active. Run, play sport (I play tennis growing up), go to the gym, etc. I started by walking, then jogging, then running on a treadmill. Then I realised that every time my body is physically active, my brain and body starts to relax.

And soon I got so addicted to exercising. I started increasing my goals to exercising everyday, increase from 1 hour to 2 hours per day and engaging to more sports (boxing and cycling).

Then I realised that Im doing so good at this. FOR THE FIRST TIME, I was acknowledging myself that I AM DOING A GREAT JOB. I started cleaning up my diet and balancing my calories in and out.

Unconsciously, doing all these 3 goals, it helped me balance my work and personal life. Pushed myself to finish work early so I could go to the gym on time at 6pm. Pushed myself to wake up early on weekends to I play tennis, muay thai and cycling. Being physically active also helps me to be more productive at work.

I am thankful that I survived another pit of my life. I am happy and I try my best to always be positive. Its a journey and there will always be ups and downs. And its up to me to make a choice; be negative or be positive. I am not perfect and I will never be perfect but I try my best every day to calm down, always see the positive and bright side of things.

I have to always remind myself that my life is NOT ONLY ABOUT MY WORK. So I always make sure I plan my weekend trips to go scuba diving, to go to the beach, to travel but not necessarily fly to another country, road trips to places I've never been to. Try out new adventures... I tried paragliding for the first time. Adventures are not always about being extreme but using my oven for the first time to bake muffins/bread is an adventure because I didn't burn anything.

I feel that being positive is not only about convincing my mind to be positive but also expressing it. And I do that by taking beautiful photos, videos and posting them on my social media pages. Its like a therapy.

My purpose is to capture how I see LIFE as a BEAUTIFUL GIFT. My life... I have a loving and supportive family (even if they are miles away from me), I have fun and awesome friends, I have a good job that I love and awesome officemates, I can afford to travel with my friends and family.