Jumped on a plane and made an excuse to do a personal retreat and meditation. There were many thoughts that need “silencing”, a chapter that needs an ending.
As I write this journal, it's been weeks past since I returned and I have been thinking of a short and (hopefully) creative description about what my solo trip meant or stands for, to me.
I should (by the way) trademark this. Based on my experience, “SOLO” stands for
Since I graduated from University about 12 years ago, I started running and never stopped; took a lot of risk, left my family, learned, failed, fell, stood up and kept running. My mind is programmed to set and achieve ambitious (life and work) goals. I'm always with high expectations. My mind isn't programmed to enjoy and savor the journey. I didn't give myself much chance to live life and travel 'solo'. And it's unfortunate that the mind is not like a machine that you can reboot/restart and few hours later, fresh like brand new. About 2 years ago, when I turned 30, that’s when I reinforced that I have to at least try to enjoy the journey. That’s when I started implanting #YOLO in my head. Bugs Bunny once said “Don't take life seriously, no one gets out of it alive anyway”.
Twelve years went so fast and now I’m 32! I am happy but I ‘feel’ I could be ‘happier’ (?). You hear people say this a lot “Find your Happiness”. But what is it really? I know people who are with family, who are married, who are with life partner, who are traveling the world, rich and famous, etc., but they also feel the same “I am happy but I could be happier”.
By the way, this journal will not give an answer to that question, if you are reading this, please do manage your expectations.
Most solo travelers would agree that the best part of traveling alone is meeting new people, learning from their stories, sharing laughter and adventures.
I went on a bike tour and met 2 amazing people; Karla, 19 year old student from Germany and Theo, 60 year old retired banker from France. Both of them (not related) are also traveling alone. I'll talk about them in a bit.
While I was eating early dinner at a nice traditional restaurant, I was joined by Adam, 32 year old Dutch who is also traveling alone and with him is an ‘interesting’ though not unique story. He sold everything he owns and quit his job that he loved and started traveling east, living by the day and presently not thinking about the future or next day.
It's not a unique story but facing a person who actually did it, my right brain reacted (not out loud though), “That’s Awesome, I should seriously consider doing that”.And this is how my left brain reacted, “That’s just plain stupidity”. Followed up by a justification “I’m all for being spontaneous and adventurous but selling everything you have and not securing the future in one bit, that’s just… No! Don't do it, Sally!”.
The brain is paid to think and debate on its own. Right brain vs Left Brain. That’s why some people go ‘crazy’.
Actually, I could easily do what Adam did because I have a strong support system, my family will never leave me 'unsheltered' and hungry if all things fail. But I’m too afraid to have nothing, no job and to live by the day not knowing if I can still be self sufficient or if I can still eat next day. I choose to have a job.
Speaking of family, I learned about how Theo use the term “roots”. He never spoke about his wife but he spoke about his past girlfriends from different continents and he also spoke about his 2 daughters back in France. Theo, Karla and I, all met at the bike tour and we were sharing fun tips and experiences about traveling and exploring places alone.
Theo expounded, "I don't want to lose the relationship, to miss the moments, the memories and the friendship". Physical distance, regardless of online communication / technology, creates gap. He is afraid to create that gap.
That made me pause for a second and then I shared, “Well, I’ve been living away from my home country for 10 years now, I’ve moved from one country to another, this is my fourth country (including my home land), and I enjoy exploring new environment and meeting new people and making new friends".
Theo acknowledged, “That’s great! That’s absolutely great that you are enjoying. You are young and independent, you should be enjoying these experiences, meet and create new friendships and relationships". Then his last sentence caught me off guard a bit, "But Sally, if I may ask you, those friendships you made in your past travels, are you still ‘friends’ with them?”
I know what he meant to ask in a deeper sense but I answered jokingly with long pause “Yyyyyess... we are still friends on Facebook”. Ok! I think he didn't get my joke, I don't think he has a Facebook account. Anyway, on a serious note, he’s right! Nothing beats being physically together with family and friends. I choose family and friends.
My last few thoughts about Theo, on why is he too afraid. Then I realized, he is old and single. Who will he grow old with? I figured that's likely the reason why he wanted to keep his friends close, create no gap or as he said he doesn't want to lose his "roots"
I am grateful for my family and for the new addition to our family, Venia. Venia is 2 months old, she is my godchild. Having her in my life, forces me (in a good way) to visit home frequently and be with family. All the more I realize what Theo said about “roots”, nothing can ever replace the experience of being physically there at the moment and not via FaceTime or Skype.
 |
| Canang Sari |
I am driven and motivated by my dreams and ambitions. I could picture where I will be at when I retire doing what I love to do. I love my job, I love to travel, I love to explore and to be adventurous. I choose to do what I love to do. Though there are 'trade-offs' which impacts family and friends. Similar to Theo's fears.
I am happy that I am currently able to manage everything that I choose to have, to keep and to nurture. But could I be happier? I ask this because sometimes you feel there is "something" missing. I 'think' I know what it is but I guess, I'm just too proud to accept it.
A wise old man who I will name Ketut, once said “Sally, you need a partner who will love you, understand you, take care of you, be your best friend, whom you can create friends with, create a family with and will travel and explore the world with you”. I didn't listen to him because I find it awkward receiving unsolicited advice from someone who doesn't know me personally. Plus from what I see, Ketut has everything he mentioned for me to have but I don't see Ketut happy (it's pretty obvious, I don't need a PHD on psychology to notice it).
My left brain proudly waves the statement “I am a strong and independent woman!” while my right brain questions “How long will this pride cloud your head, old woman?!”
I love my family and friends, I love my job and I love to do what I love to do. I love the adventure and the freedom of living life to the fullest in different parts of the world. I worked hard and working hard for this!
Why do I have so much urge to travel, explore and live in different countries/places? I was deprived from it when I was younger. Unlike Karla, the young girl I met at the bike tour, who is traveling on her own from the other side of the world, fully supported by her parents. She’s been traveling solo for 6 months and she is excited to go back to Germany and start University. I asked about her plans after University, does she also plan to work abroad like a lot of westerners do in Asia? She said she’ll take her MBA and work in Europe, she hasn't really thought about working abroad or in Asia.
When I was at her age, my mind was already programmed to finish University as fast and early as possible. I completed my bachelor’s degree at the age of 19, I didn't have any gap years. I started working abroad when I was 22 years old.
Would my life be different now if my parents had the money to send me off and take a gap year to travel and explore the world after finishing high school? It's possible! I’d probably be ‘happily’ married with 5 kids by now. Or not! I don't know.
I love my family and friends, I love my job and I love to do what I love to do. I love the adventure and the freedom of living life to the fullest in different parts of the world. I worked hard and working hard for this!
 |
| Waking up in the morning realizing "This isn't my apartment! but damn this is a beautiful morning" |
When I was at her age, my mind was already programmed to finish University as fast and early as possible. I completed my bachelor’s degree at the age of 19, I didn't have any gap years. I started working abroad when I was 22 years old.
Would my life be different now if my parents had the money to send me off and take a gap year to travel and explore the world after finishing high school? It's possible! I’d probably be ‘happily’ married with 5 kids by now. Or not! I don't know.
As I continue being spontaneous on this solo trip, I decided to take an ATV jungle tour and by the way, I nailed it. I can drive rough and ride dirty. I’m so proud of myself. I met a couple from South Africa. Roli and Letha, they are at their early 40s, I think. They are awesome. They are traveling Asia together and they both like doing almost the same things like driving rough on ATV. The husband, Roli, was saying that the wife loves shopping and he happily accompanies her. And he likes to chill with a beer and Letha, the wife, happily accompanies him. Over lunch they were sharing fun stories about their travels in Asia, Phuket is their favorite place so far. That’s agreeable. It's also my happy place. Phuket has its charm, some people might not appreciate it. Roli told me that their daughter will be traveling to Asia next year and they can't wait to share their experiences with her. Cool parents.
Looking at this couple, Roli and Letha are ‘family’ and they are 'best friends' and they do things they love together; creates a family and make new friends together, travel and explore together, be spontaneous and adventurous together. Isn't that nice?! All in one package.
I guess this is the picture Ketut was trying to paint in my head. I'm just too skeptical. The picture is too perfect. There should be some flaws in this picture. I am sure every picture has flaws, every couple and relationships that I know has flaws. That is a fact. But will I be okay to accept flaws? or will I be okay to 'trade-off' what I love to do to fix the flaws?
I ended my last relationship because I can't rationalize how a relationship will work on distance, it works for some people but it's too unnatural for me. We tried but it's not fair for both. Like what Theo said, regardless of technology, physical distance creates gap and I don't see myself trading off what I love to do, yet.
And then, here comes what everyone says and believes, "Sally, you haven't met the person whom you will be willing to be self-less with". So, it's really about trading something off. Either that or be the alpha female in the relationship. What do you want, Sally? I don't have an answer. Cross the bridge when you get there.
I always have fear of commitments and relationships... I don't want to be in it because I don't want go through the headache and drama of choosing between what I love to do and the relationship. I don’t want to end up hurting people or worse, hurting myself.
Which I did... hurt myself recently.
To be specific, my pride was hurt! (nothing mushy, oh, please *eyes rolling*)
This is what I get for listening to my right brain. I FORCED myself to WANT it - to want to be in a relationship and commit. I was telling myself "What could possibly go wrong?"
Everything went wrong, dumb ass! It was a lot of work, it was so forced that I came out so unnatural and so unreal to myself.
In short, I was pretending to be someone else. I didn't know who I was anymore. "Who is this new character I created in my book called My Beautiful Life Adventures???".
I can't rationalize how this character can continue to live so I killed and murdered this character and spared myself some clean blank pages to write this line...
"So, the chapter ends here... the character dies."
Which I did... hurt myself recently.
To be specific, my pride was hurt! (nothing mushy, oh, please *eyes rolling*)
Everything went wrong, dumb ass! It was a lot of work, it was so forced that I came out so unnatural and so unreal to myself.
In short, I was pretending to be someone else. I didn't know who I was anymore. "Who is this new character I created in my book called My Beautiful Life Adventures???".
I can't rationalize how this character can continue to live so I killed and murdered this character and spared myself some clean blank pages to write this line...
"So, the chapter ends here... the character dies."
---------------------------------------------------
My solo trip showed me reality, I honestly wasn't expecting to meet different people from different stages of life, all in one trip. Stages I needed to see (I think!). From these people, I saw the "what ifs". I felt their sadness and fears and I also felt their happiness which made me smile.
What if I enjoy too much of what I chose to have and love now, will I end up like Theo? Sally will be a 60 year old woman, single, traveling alone and afraid to lose her "roots"?
What if I over think too much, collapse one day, decide to quit, sell everything I have and just leave? Be a nomad! Will my life be much better if I'll do what Adam did? No doubt, Sally will enjoy the travels and the exploration but will she be able to keep her sanity?
What if I had a chance to travel and explore when I was younger like Karla? How different is Sally's life now?
My trip ended with more questions but showed me real life examples. It didn't give me a conclusive, concrete action step by step plan. I don't think that is even possible because what I have learned so far, Life is always open ended.
I have to be patient and learn to enjoy the journey.
I have to be patient and learn to enjoy the journey.
“SEIZING every OPPORTUNITY to LIVE (and to Laugh, to Love and to Learn) and be OPEN (and be Optimistic)”. This... I learned, I reflected and I defined it but to live by it, it's not easy. I guess that is what makes life, more fun! :-)
Go Solo! Do Yolo!
---------------------------------------------------
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS:
Where did I go? Bali!
Where did I stay? Ubud! Sri Bungalows Monkey Forest Street! Great hotel and location!
Are Karla, Theo, Adam, Roli, Letha and Ketut real people? Very,
very much real! With flesh and blood! Though not their real names. I
wasn't able to get their permission to publish their identity.
How long was my trip? Very short! Flew in Thursday night, flew out Sunday night
What was my original plan? Scuba Dive in the South! Enroll to Surf Camp! Spend a day in a meditation center! None of these happened!
Who is Sally? She's the one who changed her name and went on Solo Trip.Who died? A character who will remain unnamed.
What's going to happen to me now? *wink-wink* I'll see you on my next journal...
Must go and try it!
No comments:
Post a Comment